So it’s been over…
*looks at last blog post and calendar*
*promptly burns the calendar*
Ahem, never mind. All that matters is the update I’m about to lay on you guys.
I’ve been heavy in the deep, dark, re-write cave since it feels like forever. Just to give a progress report, so to speak, let’s go over the goals I set several months back.
- March thru April (…June): finish draft 2 of UF #1, send to betas; write query, synopsis, and pitches for Twitter Nope
- April 23 – 24 = DFWCon (not planning to pitch or consult w/ any agent) Done, didn’t pitch/consult but I DID get a new CP/writer buddy and met several others! SUCCESS
- June thru July: outline & flesh out DF idea Nope
- June 9 = Pitmad for UF #1 Nope
- June ?? = SFFPit for UF #1 Nope
- July: Draft DF book for CampNaNo Noooooope
- start prepping PitchWars submission Double nope
- August thru September: complete draft 3 of UF #1; work on query, synopsis, blurb, etc. Nope
- August 3 = PitchWars subs open (!) Super nope
Seeing a theme, here? Spoiler alert – rewrites take a long fucking time. I am making progress, it’s just a slow and steady race. Currently I’m sitting at 8 chapters re-written out of an expected 21; the first 5 have taken the lion’s share of the time to fix, and there’s still a couple in those that will still have to be reworked again for voice and plausibility before style and other proofreaderly edits.
In addition to grunt work, with the help of my fabulous CP, I’ve worked up three solid pitches for Twitter pitch parties. AND THE FIRST BOOK HAS A TITLE! Can’t describe to you how much of a weight is lifted off with finally having something to call this baby other than UF #1.
And no, not going to relay it here. Not until closer to the finished, query-ready manuscript draft, anyway. Just know that title includes a bird. =)
Other goings on: I went to California for a week for work, and THEN went to Englannnnnd! FOR TWO WEEKS!
My wonderful colleague/friend made the trip so much less stressful. Once her husband found out I wanted to go visit all the London touristy things, he planned a full route for me to see as much as possible in one day. The British Museum was the one place I actually went into, but we hit almost all of the other major sights: Buckingham Palace (as he called it, the Queen’s House), British Museum, Hyde Park, St. James Park, Horse Guards Parade, Parliament/Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, Tower of London, London Bridge, The Eye, the Shard. I rode the tube, and an above-ground rail/train to a station near their house.
They took me out to fish and chips. I tried gin and tonic (never again). Got to see the bad traffic on several of the M’s. Experienced the greatness that is Tesco, for lunch. And on and on… It was great, guys. Rural England reminds me very much of southwestern Virginia where I grew up, and although London/England was never on my top places to visit, it’s definitely on my list to return to.
The other, much less fun part of this update is about my absence from Twitter the last few days. You might be wondering why I chose to to title this post thusly. Two reasons:
#1 obviously, the Captain America: Civil War reference, which will make sense later
#2 Friday (Sept.16) was the last time I touched my WIP in terms of re-writing/revising
Warning: probably about to be some feels ensuing. Mine are a given.
If you’ve been following me on Twitter the last few months, you’ve probably seen posts about our cats. Cat pictures, volunteering, and the struggle with our “baby” Diamond.
Diamond started having seizures in March. We went through medication, bloodwork, an MRI, consultation and testing with a neurologist, and more medication. They suspected her of having a metabolic disorder.
There’s no cure for metabolic disorders in cats. You basically just monitor their standard of living. If you’re lucky, you get to make the choice for them when they reach that point.
Diamond passed away Saturday morning. She had either one really big shitty seizure, or several small shitty seizures. Either way, her little 6lb body couldn’t handle it. As I held her on the way to the ER-Vet, I kept telling her to hang on even though I think I knew, deep down, she wasn’t going to come back from it. When the vet asked if we wanted them to try and stabilize her, I just nodded. I wanted to ask what the odds are of her having brain damage were, IF she stabilized, but I buried that down. And when she crashed, I nodded with H again to have them try CPR. It couldn’t hurt to hope, right?
I wish I would’ve just said my mind. I wish we could’ve just given her peace in those last few minutes.
I’ve experienced the death of close relatives, but I don’t think I grieved for them. Not like this, not like I’ve grieved for Commodore and Diamond. And that’s just two sides of what feels like a d20 in this whole situation: losing two pets, two members of our family in less than two years. We knew there would come a point of no return, we just thought we had another ~6 months with her. Even with Commodore it was about a 3 week downward turn. For Diamond, we had an hour, maybe.
I’m angry, because she didn’t deserve that kind of death. She didn’t deserve to have her brains scrambled to the point it wouldn’t function.
I’m lost, because how do I fill the time previously spent caring for her? What do I put on my schedule instead of “need to be back by x time to give her her medication” ?
I feel guilty. What if instead of feeling crabby that H missed her 3:30 AM dose Saturday morning, I’d just given it to her* when I saw he didn’t? Would that have made any difference?
I’m numb, because it’s the best way to get through the day without crying. Don’t think, don’t feel, just survive.
I hurt for her, for H, for us. The ER-Vet already sent a card, and I know it says “Sorry for your loss,” and I just can’t open it. I dread the next few days because I know there’s a call coming, at some point, to pick up her ashes. Then it will be real. Then she will truly be gone.
I hope you’ve found peace, little one. We miss you.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading.
*I know this probably wouldn’t have helped. Anti-convulsants build up in the system, so one missed dose shouldn’t have triggered this. I feel guilty, regardless.